We Have Other Plots

A Zionist Candiru Fish

To the Arab and Islamic world, may your names and memories be blotted off the face of the earth.

The Israeli government may choose to deny it, but you know better than that. There really are a thousand, nay ten thousand, international Jewish plots to destroy you. Killer bees, leprosy, earthquakes, termites, the plague, lumbar lung, berry-berry, AIDs, robot vipers, poisonous humus platters, LSD laced pita bread, wild pigs, rabies, yellow-fever, Scarlett fever, botched circumcisions, food poisoning, scurvy, typhoid, herpes, the television program Glee, and the National Basketball Association. Naturally, some of these plots are bound to be discovered. Truth be told, we sometimes release the information ourselves, for the sole purpose of messing with your minds. We are everywhere and anywhere. 

• The Iranians recently discovered that one of our more famous Mossad agents (J.K. Rawlings), authored the Harry Potter novels. It's all an elaborate plot to spread Zionism. Ogres, magic, warlocks. All a metaphor to spread our propaganda. It doesn't matter at this point. The damage is already done. Billions of young Muslim children now adore Golda Meir. 

• The Egyptians found one of our killer sharks in their waters. But they haven't found the 999 other Mossad trained sharks that are waiting to gobble up Egyptians and German tourists. And then of course there are the hundreds of Candiru fish that were recently released in the sea. PS-They have a nasty habit of swimming up the urethra of unsuspecting swimmers. (Biologically engineered, of course, to avoid the Jewish urethra.) Its all part of an elaborate plot to put an end to the Egyptian birthrate once and for all. On a related note, the Nile river is filled with Mossad crocodiles. 

• The Saudis discovered one of our vultures. At first they thought it was a winged Jew. Here's the scoop. We wanted them to capture him. He was a carrier for a unique strain of syphilis which is already spreading to the Saudi masses. We have another treat for the Saudis. There's a radioactive rod planted inside the actual Kaaba itself (courtesy of a specially trained team of microscopic Zionist robots with little drills) which has been causing brain tumors for over 15 years. 

Here's my message to the Islamic and Arab world. I know that you're frightened. You should be. For every Zionist plot that you uncover, a hundred more will go undiscovered. In the meantime, continue to drink your water, and wonder what those damn Jews might have done to it. You don't drink water, you say? How about Turkish coffee? Surely the Mossad couldn't be inside your coffee mug.

Or could they?

Top 10 Signs You're A Leftist Screwball

The face of  the next generation of the diseased Left.

I know. Top Ten lists are a lazy excuse for a blog post. What can I say? They amuse me. So here it is. The "Top 10 Signs You're A Leftist Screwball."

#10- You and your "significant other" named your adopted Thai child, Rabin. The other choices were Ghandi, Desmond Tutu, Emil, or Gonad. Not Yitzchak of course, that would have sounded too Jewish. Just Rabin.

#9-You enjoy singing the "Song of Peace" during your daily wheat-germ and crab-apple colonic. And checking out your new Peace Now "Settlement Watch" Iphone application.

#8-Shimon Peres makes you proud to be an Israeli. Not a Jew, mind you. You don't like Jews. An Israeli.

#7-You think Golda Meir was a militant. 

#6- You believe that Yigal Amir is maniacally laughing to himself as he sits in solitary confinement.

#5- The only "Rabbi" you don't want to see beaten is Michael Melchior of Meimad. The others are all psychopathic extremists who have sex through sheets and harbor an uncontrollable desire to tar, feather, and stone homosexuals.

#4-Jews with kipot and side-locks make you see red. 

#3-Your definition of "innocent Arab children" includes grown Arab men wielding hatchets. Frustration doesn't make one a terrorist. As you see it, the greatest danger facing Israel is Jewish extremism.

#2-You have a ten foot golden statue of Rabin in your living room. You often curl up next to it in a fetal position and cry whenever it looks like the Jews have derailed the peace process.

#1- You never heard of the Altalena. You ask if it's the name of some new techno band. When someone enlightens you, you respond, "good", they deserved it." As a Peace Now activist, you abhor violence in all forms except when it's directed against "rightists" and "settlers." Then your motto is "kill them all." After all, anyone who doesn't live in Tel Aviv or Haifa contributes to the "occupation."


If any of the above applies to you, the verdict is in. You're  a latte licking, self-indulgent, snivelling, whiny, Leftist.