Top Ten Signs That You Are An "Orthodox Jewish Feminist"-Part 2!

"If you don't let me do Hagbah, I'll crush your beitzim!"

You know you've been asking the question for a long time now. When will "The Jewish Fist" come out with part 2 of that Ortho-Feminist post that he promised? I will not torture you any longer. Here it is.

Top 10 Signs That You Are An "Orthodox Jewish Feminist"-Part 2!

1. You believe that Queen Esther was a subjugated Bais Yankef girl who lacked the courage to stand up to that chareidi Mordechai. You revere Queen Vashti as the leader of the five imahot (biblical matriarchs).
2. Role Model: Lilith- the she-demon of pagan "Jewish" folklore, since she has the capacity to hurt men.
3. As a lifetime member and chairperson, you have the complete set of JOFA (Jewish Orthodox Feminists Alliance) "Limited Edition" tote bags, along with accompanying nutcrackers.
4. Committed to gaining "equality" by any means necessary. 
5. You use a lift-and-cut norelco to clean above your upper lip. But never during sefirah.
6. You once punched out a gabai when he laughed and refused your offer to do hagbah.
7. You have a pair of foreskin winter gloves.
8. Currently studying for semicha. Construction foreman by day.
9. Waiting anxiously for techiyat hameitim so you can have a word with the chauvinistic Rabbis of the Talmud.
10. Facebook password-Very well encrypted: BRURYAHLilithVashtimullet79all men must pay

Here's Part 1-Ortho-Feminists: http://jewishfist.blogspot.co.il/2011/01/another-top-ten-list-ortho-feminists.html

"Orthodox-Feminists"-The Disease Within

• Feminism has as much in common with Jewish values as Blu Greenberg has with Satmar chasidim.
• Feminism perverts Yahadut and destroys generations of Jews.
• Feminism blurs the distinction between men and women. It is immodest.
• Feminism is an infection which must be eradicated from the collective Jewish body.

MP3 File

Another Top Ten List- "Ortho-Feminists": Part I (you never know)

To amuse myself and others, and to irritate the rest. Enjoy.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton? Or a JOFA Member?

Top 10 Signs That You're An "Orthodox-Jewish" Feminist

1. Your favorite "life-cycle event" is the "britah". But if you have to go to a bris, at least you get some nachas hearing the baby scream.
2. You insist that your husband light the Shabbat candles while wearing a skirt.
3. You've altered the morning blessing for your husband, so that he now conveys his gratitude for being "an oppressive, loathsome member of the male species."
4. In the synagogue that you attend, the women are on the main floor while the men hang from the rafters in a chicken coop.
5.  You can do Hagbah with the Torah as good as any man. (No knees either. All in the wrists.)
6. You wear steel-toed combat boots to shul.
7. You frequently criticize the Imahot for not "rising up" against the oppressive fathers. 
8. You consider Betty Freidan's The Feminine Mystique to be a holy book and feature it prominently on your s'forim shelf next to your Tanach.
9. You have a ten foot tall bust of Blu Greenberg in your living room. To the left of the Golda Meir shrine.
10. You wear a "Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance" baseball cap on top of your mullet. (Collector's addition. Comes in a set of six. Good for family outings.)