More P.C.B.S.- How Not To Offend Muslims

The moral relativist's guide to not offending Muslims:

Rule #1. Abandon your reason (all of it), and stop thinking about the perceived pandemic of Islamic terror that appears to be destroying the world.

Rule #2. If you're white, acknowledge that you're a racist. Once you accept the fact that you're the bad guy, everything changes. If you're aren't white, identify with Islam, otherwise you're a self-loathing "Sambo".

Rule #3. Read any book by John Esposito and Karen Armstrong. They know so much about Islam that they don't even have to do any research or cite their sources. Never question their findings.

The following guidelines will give you a better understanding of Islam. After all, a million left-wing, long-haired, tenured college professors can't be wrong. Muslims are our friends. Obama really seems to like them:

• Islam is a moderate religion of love and peace. Say it a hundred times. Then say it another hundred times. Tell it to your latte drinking, hackey-sack kicking, cannabis appreciating friends. Make them say it a hundred times. Stone them if they refuse.

• Five extremists have hijacked a beautiful religion. It only looks like billions of Muslims want to kill us. The silent majority is afraid of these five extremists. That's why they don't say anything.

• Jihad really means to love one's neighbor and to offer him gifts of exotic floral arrangements and fruit. Extremists have hijacked the term and distorted it beyond recognition. Calls to "slay the infidels" that are found throughout the Koran are only metaphorical. They refer to the Islamic requirement to slaughter the enemy within.

• Wife beating in Islam is an affectionate expression of "heavy-petting".

• Suicide bombers are frustrated. Try to understand them before condemning them. Calling them "self-igniting freedom-fighting militants" is a good way to restore the balance of fairness.

• Muslims are sensitive and gentle. Our coarse "non-Islamic"values offend them, particularly our manner of breathing (which is inherently racist) and our use of double ply toilet paper.

• Claiming that a Muslim-American Major in the U.S. army who slaughters thirteen of his fellow soldiers on an American military base is a terrorist, is catering to a racist mind-set. As any good liberal knows, only white skinheads can engage in terrorism. It's George Bush's fault that Major Hassan slowly and methodically snapped.

• Antisemitism in Islam is misunderstood. Jews were always tolerated as beloved donkeys in Islamic countries. Unfortunately, sometimes donkeys have to be beaten and "put down".

• Islam's obsession with denying the Holocaust is a myth. Muslims revere the Holocaust and would like to contribute to another one in the future.

• Female genital mutilation is a clever way of protecting woman from themselves. When you look at it that way, you'd be crazy not to mutilate them.